Friday, March 27, 2009


Ian is deteriorating now. His kidneys are no longer producing any urine and his gut has stopped working altogether. His lungs are beoming more congested and the sputum is looking thicker and more dirty. It is now 25 days since he was admitted into ITU and the consultants have told me it's highly unlikely that he's going to survive and that maybe it's getting to the time when we should start to consider stopping treatment.
 
I feel nauseus, scared, desperately sad and lonely, all at the same time. I prayed today for the first time since I was small child, just in case I have been wrong all these years and there really is a God up there. I begged him for a miracle. But we all know miracles don't happen.
 
Right now I don't want to live.

Posted via email from MrsFirestarter's posterous

19 Comments:

  1. Tracie the Red said...
    "Compassion" means "to suffer with."

    I will suffer with you; any one of us could have faced this situation with our own beloved husband or wife.

    Many of us are walking through the valley with you, Lisa, at least in mind and heart if not physically. You have a world of people lifting you up in prayer. Lean on us all.

    That's what we're here for.

    We all love you.
    it's margaret said...
    My most honest prayers have sometimes included the thought, Dear God, F*(&^%(!.

    But today I am praying for all the saints and angels and everyone who has ever loved and lost, who know your pain and suffering and the pain and suffering of your beloved, to come and stand and be with you.
    Anonymous said...
    What Tracie the Red said - we are with you and Ian, Lisa, hard as it is.
    Love,
    Lois Keen
    Jim said...
    Lisa,

    You are correct, miracles are in short supply now. We can only offer ourselves and our tears as we pray for you and for Ian. There is a time when prayers for a cure are good, there is also a time to pray "receive him oh Lord." I have been there with loved ones and it so hurts.

    Tears falling, love embracing and prayers ascending. It is not enough, it never will be enough but it is all we have.

    FWIW
    jimB
    Sara said...
    I second Tracie. I really have no idea what to say. Just know that people, literally around the world, are holding you up in prayer and their thoughts.
    Bluebird said...
    I can't beat what Tracie said. Just know that our love and prayers are with you.
    susankay said...
    Lisa -- I have also been praying for the two of you. I have gone through this with my late husband and it is awful. Fred was in both in-patient hospice and at home with hospice support. Although you may not want to hear this now: In addition to being awful, it also became awe-full.

    Right now I am crying with you.
    David said...
    dear, dear Lisa
    i have been exactly where you are right now, so my prayers for you and Ian are offered from a very raw place and washed in tears.

    obviously not the miracle you're looking for right now, but you are not alone- there's more folks weeping, aching, praying and upholding the two of you, than you'll ever imagine.

    you and Ian were literally my first thought upon waking this morning Lisa

    David@Montreal
    Juanuchis said...
    Lisa, my heart is simply breaking for you and Ian. I echo what Tracie so eloquently said.
    terri c said...
    Oh, Lisa. My heart is breaking for you. It's so painful and so unfair, and all I can say is that the love of people all over the world is streaming toward you and Ian. We hold you dear and we ache with you today.
    Pat Klemme said...
    Beloved Child of the Universe, I join Tracie, Jonathan and all the OCICBW family in your vigil with Ian. I'm a nurse and I have the privilege of being with people as they pass from this life. It is an honor families allow me to share with them and I am always grateful to be present with them. Let me be a presence for you and Ian as this life transition unfolds. I love you both, as I have been praying for you daily for weeks. The time of dying is as precious and sacred as the time of birthing. If I can lend you strength to make the hard decisions, then feel the strength to be there for Ian. Be with him for all of us who have come to love and care for you both.
    Peace and love,
    Pat
    Suzer said...
    Praying for you and Ian...may you feel God's Grace, Love, and Mercy holding you in loving arms.
    JCF said...
    With everyone else, I join in the prayers and tears. Know that you are not alone, and you and Ian are GREATLY loved...
    terri c said...
    I just heard, Lisa--I've been checking at OCICBW off and on all day in between prayers. I'm so desperately sorry there were no better choices; I affirm your great courage and your boundless love for your dear husband. Sending warm thoughts and love...
    Brian R said...
    I can only add that prayers mixed with tears of love and for support are rising for you even though we have never met and live on opposite sides of the world. Treasure the wonderful memories of your time together.
    AnneM said...
    Sending warm thoughts and hugs to a brave lady who should not have had to make such a cruel and courageous decision.
    x
    AnneM said...
    No one should have had to make such a cruel and courageous decision. Our thoughts are with you and your family Lisa.
    themethatisme said...
    You pray pet, and tell him what a bastard he is.
    Göran Koch-Swahne said...
    Prayers ascending for you both, Lisa!

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