Sunday, May 31, 2009

This is is one of my personal favourites - *Rammstein - Engel*

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Saturday, May 30, 2009

leonard nimoy, william shatner and deforest kelley

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Anybody who hasn't been to see the new Star Trek movie better get themselves along to see it while they still can. Don't like Star Trek? You'll like this. It is quite unlike any of those cheesy movies that came before, and has all of the chemistry between characters that was prevalent in the classic series (although you may be a little surprised at the love interest). You'll not regret it.

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Todays classic is *Killing Joke - Love Like Blood*

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Friday, May 29, 2009

Well, didn't I get off to a good start, eh? I missed a day already! Blame a busy day at work followed by dinner out with a friend ... yeah, that's it!
Anyway, today's choice is *Prayer *by *Disturbed*

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Those of you who are coming on the walk to the Lost Valley on Saturday better prepare for cold and showery weather!

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Right. In an attempt to cheer myself up I have decided that from now on and on a daily basis, until I run out of ideas, which may be tomorrow, I am going to post a video of one of my favourite songs/musicians.
Todays gem is *The Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen in Love*

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Right! I have spoken to the lady at the Red Squirrel campsite and told her that there will be approx 11 people/7 small tents and 1 dog turning up on 5th and staying till 7th June. She is looking forward to us turning up so be there!

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I think part of the reason I am finding stuff so hard to deal with right now is because I've been on a bit of a downer since Saturday.
It was my birthday. And for the first time in my life I spent it on my own. I opened my gifts and cards alone. I didn't see anyone until the evening. I felt more lonely on Saturday than I think I ever have and that's really really hard to bear.
Been having a hard time trying to smile since then.

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Fed up

Despite many letters (including copies of death certificates), phone calls and letters sent by my solicitor, I am still receiving demanding letters from creditors regarding outstanding debts that I was left with after Ian died. The latest is a default notice that I am to pay the full outstanding amount by 2 June otherwise they will start legal proceedings to recover the full amount. The latest from one of the companies stated that I hadn't contacted them despite their previous letters, and I have records of loads of correspondence with them! Another company had addressed 2 of the letters to Ian! It's not like they aren't going to get paid, just that I don't have access to funds to pay them yet because of all the red tape involved. All of this paperwork, form filling and waiting for responses takes time. All they have to do is wait a bit longer, but no. They want their money now and they are prepared to do whatever they have to to get it. To be honest I have been through quite enough recently and right now I don't feel I have the strength to cope with all this any longer.
I went to see Combichrist last night in Sunderland. A good dose of Norwegian trance inducing EBM was just what I needed to forget about my worries. I think I danced so much my legs were like jelly at the end of the night! I had originally bought two tickets for me and Ian months ago so I let Ian's best friend, Geoff, have the spare ticket.

Tomorrow I will take the latest batch of letter to my solicitor and see if he can reason with them.

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

For those of you who will be coming along to the scattering of Ian's ashes, here's some info I found on the web ... somewhere ...
Accommodation: Wild camping is still tolerated north of the river at the rear of the Kings House Hotel, and between the road and the river in the upper reaches of Glen Etive, though is generally discouraged elsewhere in Glen Coe. About a third of the way down the back road from Clachaig Inn - Glencoe village lie the Youth Hostel (tel: 01855 811219), Leacantuim Farm Bunkhouse and Red Squirrel Campsite (tel: 01855 811256). The National Trust Campsite is located in the forest on the west side of the A82, 1.1miles/1.8km SE of Glencoe Village. There are also Caravan and Camp Sites nearby at Invercoe (tel: 01855 811210), 0.5km from Glencoe Village; at Caolasnacon (tel: 01855 831279), 3.5 miles/5km down the B863 road to Kinlochleven; and Corran Caravans, Onich (tel: 01855 821208). Bunkhouses: Inchree, Onich (tel: 01855 821287); West Highland Lodge, Kinlochleven (01855 831471). Mountaineering Club Huts at Lagangarbh (SMC); Blackrock Cottage, White Corries (Ladies Scottish Climbing Club); Inbhir-fhaolain, Glen Etive (Grampian MC); Smiddy, Glen Etive (Forventure Trust); Kinlochleven (Fell & Rock); Alex Macintyre Hut, Onich (BMC/MC of S); Manse Barn, Onich (Lomond MC). Many hotels en route to Fort William, together with numerous b&b and guest houses in Glencoe, Ballachulish and Onich.
Amenities: The Clachaig Inn (tel: 01855 811679) and the Kings House Hotel (tel: 01855 811259), located at either end of the Glen, are the two most popular places for an apres climb pint for most climbers. Both also offer bar meals. All the other hotels en route to Fort William also serve bar meals. For provisions, there is a late opening Spar supermarket in Ballachulish village, 1 mile/1.6km west of Glencoe village. There are also a couple of small grocery shops and a post office in Glencoe village, together with a couple of cafes - try the River Coe Restaurant on east side of the A82. Petrol Station in Glencoe village. For outdoor equipment, maps, guides etc. Glencoe Guides and Gear (tel: 01855 811402) is conveniently situated at Tighphuirst, on the south side of the A82 just west of Glencoe village.
My plan is to drive up there on Friday evening and to camp at the National Trust campsite. My understanding is that there is usually no pre-booking available for National Trust sites and that they are operated on a first come first served basis. I therefore don't want to leave home any later than 4pm. I'll be using SatNav so hopefully I won't get too lost, but if anybody wants to get lost with me rather than get lost on their own, we can arrange a time to leave together.
See you there.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Not been online much lately. The business has suddenly taken off and I'm currently inundated with work. On top of that my mum (who has been helping me keep on top of things) and dad have gone to Greece for a fortnight and this the busiest week so far! I'm already behind - I have orders from the weekend which should have been dispatched yesterday still to do.
I may have to call on my friend for help - she has offered to come around this evening after she finishes her shift at the school where she works. Let's hope I can catch up without having to resort to that.
It's the upholstery strap orders that take up so much time ... they're a made to measure product ... even so, they bring in a good chunk of the money.
I suppose staying busy is better than sitting around moping.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

I should be working so just a quick note to say that in total thanks to your kind donations we raised in total £731.45 for the International Sepsis Forum!

Thank you everyone!

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

It looks like it's going to be 6th June.  Anyone who can make it and wants to come is welcome. The plan is to camp at a nearby site and those who aren't able to go hillwalking to the Lost Valley can stay in the bar at the Clachaig Inn and drink whisky on Ian's behalf!  His favourite was Bunnahabhain, so make sure you have one for him.  Those of us who will be making the trek will be able to share in a little tipple of said malt at the top of the hill and we'll meet up with you afterwards in the bar.

For more information, phone, text or email me.  I don't want this to be doom and gloom.  It's a celebration, so no sympathy please. There was enough of that at his funeral.  Let's make it an enjoyable experience and a celebration of Ian's life with a family and friends together.

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Every day is still incredibly hard.  Every day I think of Ian and cry.  But, work still has to be done to pay the bills and I am thankful that I still have the online/internet side of our business to keep me going. Staying busy makes each day more bearable.

I had been thinking of what I can do to immortalise Ian in a way. I had thought about naming a star after him, but changed my mind. I already look up at Polaris every evening - the North Star - for me it represents stability, guidance, an unchanging entity in an ever changing world.  I look up each night and I have a little chat to Ian.

What about planting a tree?  Well, a friend of mine has been coming to tidy the garden every couple of weeks to help out. He runs his own gardening business and even though I told him I can't afford to pay him at the moment, he said "If I can't spend 15 minutes helping out a bereaved friend there's something wrong with the world."  Him and few friends are planning on buying me a tree to plant at the bottom of the garden - a rowan, I think - something to attract the birds which Ian would have loved.

I can definitely feel another tattoo coming on but I need to think long and hard about an appropriate design.  Something to symbolise the love we had and the strength he gave me to get through the darkest of times.

I really need to decide on a weekend to go up to Glencoe to scatter Ian's ashes. Anybody who reads this and wants come along, let me know your preferred dates. I was thinking about sometime in June or July.

Going out is hard to bear. I went out on Sunday for Keith's (the gardner I mentioned) birthday.  I still had to go outside and have a bit of a blub.

I just wish this constant pain would go away. Yet, people have told me it never goes away, it just becomes easier to bear.  I don't know how I can carry if it doesn't ease.  I feel like I'm being constantly choked.  Sometimes I can't eat because of it.  Sometimes it's like somethings wrapped around my heart and squeezing till I can hardly breathe.  It's like a sickness from which I don't know if I'll ever recover.

And then there's the guilt. The fact that I walked away from him just over an hour before he took a turn for the worse and was rushed to ITU.  He wanted me to stay with him and I left him there.  That was the last time I spoke to him.  He told me he loved me and he was so afraid.  I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that.  I hate myself for doing that to him, for leaving him all alone with his fear.

It's not the lonliness that hurts so much.  My heart breaks every time I think of his pain and suffering.  If only there was some way I could have taken it away from him.  To swap places so he could be well again.  I would gladly die for him.

Ian, my love, I miss you.

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