Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Ok, here's what's happened since my last post.
On Sunday evening I visited Ian and he looked terrible. He had a fever, he felt sick, he had D&V and his rash was back. He also looked exhausted and kept dozing off, and he was getting breathless very easily. I had a bad, bad feeling about it all and had to just about wrench myself away at the end of visiting time. He said to me in a quiet voice and quite emotional, "I have never felt so ill in my entire life".
I came home and went to bed at around 10:30pm. At 12:30am my bedside phone rang. It was the hospital. They said that Ian had been taken to ITU and said that I could go along. I was there for 1am. I had to wait a while in the visitor's room, and then some consultants came to see me and told me that Ian had taken a very bad turn and was having difficulty breathing. He consented to being sedated and put on a ventilator. His blood pressure was very low and his heart rate was up, so he was on drugs to try to stabilise those, and he was on more antibiotics to try to counter any other infection that may be causing it. They then allowed me to see him. They said that he may not survive this and that we have to hope that the fact he was young and healthy before this all happened is on his side. I stayed with him all night and most of the next day, but had to come home to sleep as I was simply exhausted. Yesterday was like living in a nightmare. I don't think I stopped crying the whole day. I couldn't eat, and when I tried to sleep it was very broken. I think I must have been up pacing 6 times during the night.
I awoke this morning at 7am when my alarm went off, and at 7:05am I phoned the hospital, because those five minutes were such a long wait I couldn't hang on any longer. They told me that Ian's urine output had stopped during the night because his kidneys had shut down and so they had put him on dialysis. Apart from that there weren't any other real changes.
I have never been so scared in my entire life. He is my soul mate, my best friend, my hero. I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for him, and the thought of losing him is too much to contemplate. To think that almost a month ago he was complaining of an aching leg, and that it could lead to this, is terrifying. I need him to get well, I need him home with me. I love him with all my heart and right now I don't feel I can live without him.
Do you have people near you who can be with you?
Look upon him with the eyes of thy mercy; comfort him with a sense of thy goodness; preserve him from the temptations of the enemy; and give him patience under his affliction. In thy good time, restore him to health, and enable him to lead the residue of his life in thy fear, and to thy glory; and grant that finally he may dwell with thee in life everlasting; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
(From the Book of Common Prayer.)
Praying fiercely here.
Pax,
Doxy
This is just awful. I'm sorry.
O God, the strength of the weak and the comfort of sufferers: Mercifully accept our prayers, and grant to Ian the help of your power, that his sickness may be turned into health, and our sorrow into joy; through Jesus Christ our lord. Amen.
Haven't given up yet!