Rantings

I'm stressed. Really stressed. Christmas does that to me.

You see, unlike most women (!!) I don't do multi-tasking. My brain is simply not wired up for that. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time and when I do I become completely engrossed in it until the job is finished. I can't concentrate in a room full of people or even with the radio on as even the slightest distraction makes it impossible for me to focus. Sometimes, if a task is linked up with other tasks I feel overwhelmed by it all and my stress levels go through the roof. My head feels like it's about to explode and I end up running away from it. This can apply to something very simple like housework. I can feel bogged down by everything that needs to be done and end up doing very little. It's like wading through treacle. Everything gets mixed up in my head and I can't pick one thing out at a time, it's like I don't have some necessary filter I need to ignore everything else. This makes it difficult for me in social situations, which is why I'm always the quiet one when there's a group conversation happening. I've always been like this but I used to cope ok until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety. Several years on, several different antidepressants and a few years of psychotherapy later, and I've never regained that mechanism. Even though I am no longer depressed, I'm still surrounded by a bomb site which to me is a representation of how my life has fallen apart and I've never been able to pick up the pieces.

So, hopefully you can understand why Christmas becomes such a challenge for me. Too many things to think about and coordinate. Right now I just want to scream.

Last night it all became too much for me. Something went wrong with the dinner plans and caused friction between Mr Lisa and me, and I got in the car and drove to my sister's house. I didn't even go to talk, just being in a calm environment with sister hugs and kitty hugs on tap was all I needed. But the whole thing has left me feeling really, really low. I don't even think I can bring myself to go to theatre group rehearsals tonight (sorry guys). I feel like a sub-standard human being who will never be good enough for Mr Lisa and who can't even function properly in the world and that is quite devastating.

So I think today is going to be a day of misery, chocolate, Christmas shopping after work, more chocolate, followed by hot chocolate tonight accompanied by whinging about how fat I am due to overconsumption of chocolate.

So there.